Back

I am back in Washington.
Back to a boring job that I have been in and out of for years.
Back to self-doubt, a wavering testimony and seemingly loneliness.

I missed it here so much while I was away. But now that I am into a routine again. I feel a little depressed.

I have decided to go on a mission. I am so scared. I came back to visit Washington a few weeks before I decided to move back because I needed to tell my bishop that I want to serve. The nexte person I told was Tyler. I hadn't talked to him in a couple months, but he has had to big of an impact on me to not let him know. He is the person who gave me the courage to realize who I can be. He just seemed surpirsed. I guess it prepped me for telling everyone else, who was also surprised.

Rachel moved back to Washington just a couple days after I did. I'm a little disappointed in her. Just because I don't think that she gave Salt Lake a chance. But change isn't for everyone and she seems very happy now that she is back in Washington. So, I am not disappointed; she tried something new.

My heart is broken.

As much as I was hurt that to Tyler I was "out of sight, out of mind." I have to admit that I felt slightly that same way about him. But not to the same extent. I thought about him everyday while I was gone. I have thought about him everyday since I returned. I think Michelle was right: I did fall in love with Tyler.

I saw him last night, from a distance. It was at a movie theater. As I was walking out, about one hundred feet in front of me was Tyler, holding hands with his new girl. I froze. I litterally Stopped in my tracks in shock. The boy (yes boy, I realize he has growing up to do) I had come to love has someone new that he cares about far more than he did me. I try not to let my feelings get hurt by others lack of care, but I ended up caring about him, and now I am hurt.

A mission will be so good for me. I feel like I need to be away. Although I just was, coming back brought back all the pain I was feeling before. The temptations here are so great. They almost feel like too much, but I have faith that I will do what I am supposed to.

I will always be alright

Drama Free in the SLC

Here I am, I made it to Utah! I've been here for over 3 weeks now. It's a little hot. It's a little lonely. It's a little boring. I have applied for close to 150 jobs and just today had my first interview. Luckly... It lead to a job. Hopefully, I wont be as bored.

I haven't talked to Tyler in weeks. Last tiem was just 3 days after I got here. He said he missed me. But I guess it is just out of sight, out of mind. I even cried a couple times because I missed him so much...

WHOA!

I do not cry. Not over boys. Except that one time about Jason Mraz...

I decided that I too, am over it. I cannot waste my emotions adn energy on someone who doesn't ever think of me.

NEXT SONG.

Rachel (a great friend I met through Tyler) is moving to Salt Lake in 2 weeks. I am so excited to have a friend, who isn't married, here. I loathe marriage way to much to be surrounded by the marrieds.

Thank goodness for the nice weather so I can sit alone at parks.

The Anxiety Monologs

I have always thought that I have had a bit of anxiety. But there is nothing you can really do about it. You can take some sedatives, but I'm not big on the medication thing. So, I just kinda deal with it. It has been two weeks since I decided to go to Utah, and have had 2 anxiety attacks over that time as well as not eaten for days. I am scheduled to leave this Monday: a week from today.

Am I doing the right thing?

Why is it that whenever I make a decision to move, everything falls into place in the short time between the decision and the actual move. Maybe, I just don’t realize how good I really have it until I know that it will never be the same. Tyler has been even more back and forth since I told him I was leaving. He does not know what he wants and I am guessing that it is even harder now that I have “decided” what I want.

When I told him I am leaving, he just got silent. But I explained that I needed something new. “Are you leaving because of the way I’ve been acting over the past couple weeks?” Tyler asked. “Don’t flatter yourself,” I responded in haste. I’m not sure if I made the decision because I want something new or if I am trying to get out while I am ahead.

I have come to the conclusion that I can’t lose him.

I cannot just run away because I am afraid of a challenge or getting hurt. That is how you grow. Why am I so emotional? Danged Tyler, I loved my superficial, indifferent life that I lead before I knew him. How can I let someone have such a big impact on me in such a short time?

But what if he doesn’t really care?

I’m not sure that I will be ok with myself if I stay and he doesn’t want me. Even more so, I’m not sure that I will be alright if I let him go. People like us don’t find each other everyday. Shoot…

Michelle told me that I am in love. I don’t know. I cannot love someone that doesn’t love me. But I know that I could be. I hate to be so cliché, but I have to be. It’s how I feel. I hate sappy, messy, icky love stories. But how amazing is it when it happens to you? Maybe this just isn’t our time, but I need to be more patient. If there is a right time for us, I don’t want to miss that because I am too stubborn and prideful to show that I care about someone besides myself.

Tyler is an incredible man, I wonder if he realizes that I am pretty incredible too.

Don't know when I'll be back again...

I have had this nagging feeling that I needed to go visit all my friends in Salt Lake. I really miss them and thought a vacation sounded amazing.

Since about the age of 12, I have been trying to figure out where I need to move to. I know that I want to live as many places as possible and for right now, Washington is not where my heart is. I've been to Idaho and Florida. I have even lived in Hawaii and California for summers. Now that I have been back in Seattle for over a year I feel like I need to get away more than ever.

To be completely honest, I haven’t ever really had the most faith in prayer. There has never been a huge, life changing circumstance that was resolved by a prayer. Nor, have I ever had anything I prayed to go well ever turn out that exceptional. Nonetheless, I am not in complete disbelief. I have been praying for over a year where my next adventure should take me. Whenever I am beginning to take a path, temptation sets in and I get too busy partying to realize that there are better things out there. I get so easily distracted by money and booze when all I really want to do is gallivant. Through my last thoughtful deliberation process, I narrowed to three places; New York, Orlando and SanDiego. So, I decided to pray about those three. New York seems so lively and fast paced, but I don’t know if I could be that hard. I have lived in Orlando, so I know all that it has to offer, and love it. But, I have always wanted to move to So Cal…

On the rare occasion that I do get what I consider an “answer” to a prayer, it is usually in a dream like state. I tend to only remember dreams that are foreseeing something. Just about a week ago, I spent a long time thinking about moving and where to go before I went to bed. I was beginning to lean towards Orlando, just because I knew I could do it with little discomfort. But, I’ve been there, done that.

ZZZ...

What a great night of sleep I had! But when I woke up, I shouted “Salt Lake!” With a gasp, I quickly covered my mouth.

No Way! I hated Utah. So, I’ve only been there once. I still knew that I could not live there. Like a slap in the face, I realized it was right. But I wasn’t ready to accept it.

I talk to Michelle everyday. I like to call her my Day-to-Day Advisor. On Sunday I told her about how I wanted to go away so badly and that I also needed to visit SLC. She told me to come down for a couple weeks and take a load off. A couple weeks? I can’t get that kind of time off work.

“Quit your job” she said, “you don’t like it, anyway.”

Brilliant.

So I did.

I gave three weeks notice on Monday. Then, I am packing up everything and heading down south… east… ish. I’m not quite sure exactly what I will do what I do, besides hang out with Michelle and her husband, Shawn, and sleep a little. I have set up a few job interviews. But I have decided that because I am just picking up and changing, I am going to change everything. I have been applying for things that I have always wanted to do, but have been always stuck in the hospitality/assistant rut. This is my chance to help people, or to travel. Just do something more fun than make sure that rich people get richer.

I will stay with Michelle and Shawn for about two weeks. If I hate Utah, I will come back to Washington. If I love it, then I’ll just find a place of my own.

…So I’m leaving in my Jetta, don’t know when I’ll be back again…

Yet Another DTR

Tyler and I have been dating for about a month now. That is years in Mormon time. But he and I decided to take it slow because of my huge fear of commitment and that fact that we are both just too young to be serious. Blah blah blah...

Neither of us has a lot of extra time during the week to spend together so we mainly are able to play on the weekends. It has been a bit emotional and pretty much every weekend he initiates a talk about the status of our relationship. But we really care about each other and it has been great, so far. But this last week, oh man, it's been a doozy!

On Tuesday of last week, Tyler decides that he did not want to kiss anymore. Why? I am an excellent kisser! His loss, really. But ok, whatever. We had talked about how we may have been moving too fast, or something. But then, over the weekend he went crazy, or he is just really dumb. But there is a chance that it is a cross of the two. On Friday he was practically my knight in shining armor and rescued me from a ridiculously boring activity I was attending and also managed to get tons of mediocre guys to stop hitting on me. But then, I ended up just hanging out with him and the boys. Meh... A few hours later we went our separate ways for the night, with only a simple hug. It was finally my turn to decide it was time to talk. I was tired of being treated like I was nothing. I know that he cared and we promise to make time the next day.

S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y NIGHT!

I want him to meet my friends. I have played with his core group many-a-time and it was my time. It is not as if I really have a lot of people here in Washington that I care if he meets. Just the few girls. So, Tyler, Steph (my friend), Josh (his friend, that I already know) and I go out to dinner. I really wanted it to be just Tyler and me, but I had been playing with Steph all day and I rarely have the chance to do that. Plus, he blew us off last weekend... Moral of the story... During the four hours or so that we all spent together, Tyler did not say more than 100 words and managed to stay on the phone for the majority of the evening. He would not sit near me while waiting to be seated and he was incredibly rude when I tried to be affectionate. I didn't understand and was very hurt. It is a rarity that I feel either of those ways. The evening ended similar to the one before, with a simple hug and me saying "We need to talk."

SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY!

When I get the chance to talk to Tyler at the church, without a greeting, I, far too cheerfully, said "Um... I'm not ok with last night and we are going to talk, today. When are you free?" We agreed to talk after church and went our ways. 30 minutes in the church building; I let him know why I was hurt about the night before. And hour at the park; I try my hardest to hold in tears, he gets furious and tries to leave, I keep him there, he says he just wants to be friends, I say no.

What? you may ask.

Yeah, I told him no!

I don't want to be "just friends." He said that we can start over at the beginning as friends, but we never were "just friends." I don't believe that he doesn't care and we both know that I do, so there is no reason for us to part. But he did explain that we are young and he needs to play with the boys a little more than he has been. Good for him. I don't want all of his time and I certainly don't want to play with his boys. They are his. Bring me around every once and a while, but they are his friends, not mine. For the first time, ever, I think he was the guy in the relationship. It was kind of refreshing. It hurt, but it was nice to find out that he has some balls. Jason Crisp... Before I had to tell him to stop bugging me because I was watching the game and he had to ask me to be more sensitive. However, we did not end there. We drove back to the building, where his car was, and talked for another hour. Only this time, there was far less arguing and pain, and a lot more flirting, until we made-it-out.

Are we "just friends?" No

Are we BF/GF? No

Just like before... we are "kind of dating"

No talking everyday. No obligations on the weekends. Exactly how 22 year olds should be.

The Coma Waker

Last Friday I went on a date with Garrin. It was horrible. The date was fine; we just went to dinner then to meet up with some friends. But I thought about Tyler the whole time. So, I went on a date with Tyler on Saturday. It was the best date I've ever had. We went to a hockey game then out do dinner. It sounds so dumb, but I love hockey and he let me pick out our date activity. And it was sweet; he held my hand and kept me warm as we walked through the busy downtown streets.

I have continued talking to Tyler since and have been seeing him regularly.

Garrin... since rolling his truck has had it rough. We didn't have a good time on our date and it has become fairly obvious that he has made his decision to go after me. But I am no longer interested. He and I haven't talked since our date a couple weeks ago. Until this weekend...At church on Sunday, I found out that Garrin was in another accident the day before. He had a horrible crash while racing his dirt bike. Flying over his handlebars at 35 mph, he smashed his right side into a solid dirt hill. Unconscious, he was airlifted to Harborview in Seattle. He has head injuries, a broken pelvis and a broken arm in addition to the badly bruised skin that now covers his helpless body. I visited him in the hospital on Sunday, after church. I went with Tyler and a few other friends. It is an eerie feeling to enter a hospital. None of us were sure of Garrin’s condition upon arrival. All a little nervous but optimistic, we entered his small, dark room in the trauma ward to find him peacefully sleeping.We all stood around in shock for a few minutes, absorbing in the fact that our friend lays there comatose. His dad let us know that he had yet to respond to anything or anyone. I sat next to his bedside and began to speak softly to Garrin as everyone else watched. "Hey Garrin," I said. "We are all here to visit you." I continued to let him know who was there and who was all just staring at him. The nurse was yelling to try to get through to him; like one does to a deaf person, or an Asian. But I spoke in a soft, high-pitched voice. Garrin had been moaning and making slight noises all day, but after I began speaking, he began responding. He suddenly opened his eyes. Almost as if jolted, his body shook and he looked at me. "Melissa?" He asked. And be began, incoherently, speaking to us.

WTF??

Did I just wake a guy from a coma? Is this real? Am I in a movie? He grabbed my hand with his movable one and was talking to me about how he wanted to get up and take his neck brace off. He kept saying my name and reaching for me. My eyes welled up with tears! This is the guy that I just stopped dating and I woke him from a coma!

Tyler put his hand on my shoulder and I flipped. "Don't touch me!" Tyler jumped back and I had to get up and move out of Garrin’s sight. I was pretty quiet during the ride back home; I was slightly traumatized.

The 1st Date Curse

*Name changed to protect identity/pride

I went over 2 years without really dating anyone. That was fine, I had crushes. But I had been through a really tough break up and was on a major self-discovery kick. Well... I have been starting to open up to the whole dating scene over the past 6 months or so. But it has not been coming so easily. There was this guy a few months ago, we'll call him DK* (like Donkey Kong). We had been introduced through mutual friends. He seemed great; a little older, studious, charming. I gave my number and a few weeks later we decided to head off to a show at the theater. Great date idea, might I add. But they were my tickets that I had to...I digress.It had been years since a real date and I was overly excited. To my dismay, DK didn't call as he said he would. Was I mad... a little. But I continued to get ready as if the date was still on. The show began at 7, I believe. I was graced with a phone call by the gentleman caller around 5:30 or so. In my anger, I was very short. Now, in retrospect, I do slightly feel guilty. He gave a long-winded story of his soccer game that day and his friend who was in a car accident. He said he had been in the hospital with his friend all day, and that I was not on the front of his mind. I do not expect to be in his thoughts all the time, but there is a lot of down time in a hospital.

We did not go on the date.

Just a few weeks ago, I was finally asked out by a guy, who we'll call Darrin* that I had been friends with for a long while. I was really exited. We had been hanging out with our group of friends and he was finally ready to have just the two of us go out. I was starting to lose interest in him, but I was still excited. On the day that we were finally supposed to go out, he calls on when he knows that I will be on my way home from work; he is thoughtful that way. But he calls to let me know that there is a good chance that he cannot make it for our date tonight. OK, I think. But "why?" I ask. "Well," he says, "I got in an accident today; rolled and totaled my truck." WHAT!! He was so calm about it all. Who just totals their truck? I don't know, I guess a lot of people do. But it made me very sad for him that he was so apologetic when something so tough just happened to him.

The moral...We did not go on the date.

The next day, I met a guy; we'll call him Tyler*. Tyler was a boy that I had noticed months ago but thought was way too good looking and social and flat out too good for me. He is perfect; the epitome of whom I am looking for. Anyways, Tyler and I met as I was trying to get him and another friend to converse. She thought he was cute, he didn't know who she was, and so on. He began to talk to me a little more than my friend, but I did not notice. He tells the story of our meeting differently than I do.

I digress.

He asked me out for that Friday evening. I accepted and we decided to talk about it later that week. He had made plans for us that I wasn't allowed to know about, so I was pretty excited; more excited than I had been with the other dates over the past while. On Friday, while I was at work Tyler sends me a text message that says, "I might be a little late tonight, I'm at the hospital." My initial thought is that he might be working there; he is studying a medical field. But I respond by questioning whether or not he is all right. All he said was "kinda..." Kinda? What does that even mean? Now I am worried. Not for my own selfish reasons that come into play later, but because I might actually like this guy. He calls me a bit later in the afternoon; still at the hospital, to let me know, from his drug induced state, that he still was not sure if he would be on time this evening. He was at the hospital! He works a bit in construction and was hit in the face by a piece of flooring while working. He had to get stitches just above his lip, left of his nose. Funny... how one guy can think of me while at the hospital with his own injury and I do not even cross the mind of another while there for a friend.

We did not go on the date.

But I suppose I have been on second date with these guys. Well... is it a second date, or another shot at the first? I am dating Tyler now, and loving it. I am having a great time, but with my habit of mishaps and trips up with fate, I don't foresee silly circumstances changing anytime soon. Maybe this is a test so I don't just settle for any guy. I will end up with someone who had to work to be with me. All relationships come with mountains, who knew that all of mine would be cliffs?