Monday, May 01, 2006

The Anxiety Monologs

I have always thought that I have had a bit of anxiety. But there is nothing you can really do about it. You can take some sedatives, but I'm not big on the medication thing. So, I just kinda deal with it. It has been two weeks since I decided to go to Utah, and have had 2 anxiety attacks over that time as well as not eaten for days. I am scheduled to leave this Monday: a week from today.

Am I doing the right thing?

Why is it that whenever I make a decision to move, everything falls into place in the short time between the decision and the actual move. Maybe, I just don’t realize how good I really have it until I know that it will never be the same. Tyler has been even more back and forth since I told him I was leaving. He does not know what he wants and I am guessing that it is even harder now that I have “decided” what I want.

When I told him I am leaving, he just got silent. But I explained that I needed something new. “Are you leaving because of the way I’ve been acting over the past couple weeks?” Tyler asked. “Don’t flatter yourself,” I responded in haste. I’m not sure if I made the decision because I want something new or if I am trying to get out while I am ahead.

I have come to the conclusion that I can’t lose him.

I cannot just run away because I am afraid of a challenge or getting hurt. That is how you grow. Why am I so emotional? Danged Tyler, I loved my superficial, indifferent life that I lead before I knew him. How can I let someone have such a big impact on me in such a short time?

But what if he doesn’t really care?

I’m not sure that I will be ok with myself if I stay and he doesn’t want me. Even more so, I’m not sure that I will be alright if I let him go. People like us don’t find each other everyday. Shoot…

Michelle told me that I am in love. I don’t know. I cannot love someone that doesn’t love me. But I know that I could be. I hate to be so cliché, but I have to be. It’s how I feel. I hate sappy, messy, icky love stories. But how amazing is it when it happens to you? Maybe this just isn’t our time, but I need to be more patient. If there is a right time for us, I don’t want to miss that because I am too stubborn and prideful to show that I care about someone besides myself.

Tyler is an incredible man, I wonder if he realizes that I am pretty incredible too.