Friday, July 07, 2006


I am back in Washington.
Back to a boring job that I have been in and out of for years.
Back to self-doubt, a wavering testimony and seemingly loneliness.

I missed it here so much while I was away. But now that I am into a routine again. I feel a little depressed.

I have decided to go on a mission. I am so scared. I came back to visit Washington a few weeks before I decided to move back because I needed to tell my bishop that I want to serve. The nexte person I told was Tyler. I hadn't talked to him in a couple months, but he has had to big of an impact on me to not let him know. He is the person who gave me the courage to realize who I can be. He just seemed surpirsed. I guess it prepped me for telling everyone else, who was also surprised.

Rachel moved back to Washington just a couple days after I did. I'm a little disappointed in her. Just because I don't think that she gave Salt Lake a chance. But change isn't for everyone and she seems very happy now that she is back in Washington. So, I am not disappointed; she tried something new.

My heart is broken.

As much as I was hurt that to Tyler I was "out of sight, out of mind." I have to admit that I felt slightly that same way about him. But not to the same extent. I thought about him everyday while I was gone. I have thought about him everyday since I returned. I think Michelle was right: I did fall in love with Tyler.

I saw him last night, from a distance. It was at a movie theater. As I was walking out, about one hundred feet in front of me was Tyler, holding hands with his new girl. I froze. I litterally Stopped in my tracks in shock. The boy (yes boy, I realize he has growing up to do) I had come to love has someone new that he cares about far more than he did me. I try not to let my feelings get hurt by others lack of care, but I ended up caring about him, and now I am hurt.

A mission will be so good for me. I feel like I need to be away. Although I just was, coming back brought back all the pain I was feeling before. The temptations here are so great. They almost feel like too much, but I have faith that I will do what I am supposed to.

I will always be alright