New photography blog

Incase you didn't know I am well into the swing of my photography, and want you to take a look! Visit www.melissatuttle.com to find samples of my portfolio and links to my Facebook and blog sites.

Thank you to all those who already like my Facebook page and who are helping get the word out about my business!

The Break-Up

Dear Yetta the Jetta,

You were my first love (that I ever purchased with my own money), and we have some fantastic memories. But I think we both know what is coming. Do you remember when we began? The sky was clear and the cool winter was coming to an end that last day of my 20th year; March 5th, 2001. I can even remember where we were; Redmond, Washington, and what you were wearing; a sleek, freshly buffed silver coat that really showed off your curves. You were my dream whip.

We have been through a lot over the past 4 years. Do you remember when I turned 21 the day after we met and I let Steph drive you around downtown Seattle? I'm sorry about that. I only let it happen one other time, and we both know that I was really sick. But there is no excuse. I was really pretty good at not letting others take you by the wheel. No one could shift you like I could.

The road trips were always your favorite. Seattle to Salt Lake to Rexburg to Redding to Reno; it never mattered where we were going as long as you were on the open road and given the opportunity to exceed 35mpg, you were happy. Even that time that we were coming home from a couple months away in Salt Lake and you dislocated your passenger window. It cost me a pretty penny and took a professional to put it back in place. But I think you were just being stubborn and wanted to feel the fresh air blow through your slick leather seats during the ride. All along I thought that was what your moon roof was for.

I still feel guilty for that Thanksgiving Day that I had to go to work in Seattle. I think you know which one I am talking about, in 2006. Up until last week I was still finding glass shards from your drivers side window that stupid crook shamelessly shattered. And I was reminded constantly how he violently tore your stereo out and tossed it across the pavement when he was caught. It was like he tore your heart out. I reinstalled it as soon as I could, but it never was the same; always skipping beats and scratching cd's. I have thought about apologizing for all the times I hit your dash, but I did it for you. I never wanted to hurt you, just get your stereo back on beat when it skipped cd's for no reason.

You are a tough little cookie! You were roughed up a few times by other cars who thought that they were stronger, but you always made it away without even a scratch. And I know that you know that none of those incidents were my fault. I cared too much to ever put you in danger. In fact, whenever another car tried to pick a fight with you, I was scared to drive for weeks.

There were definitely more good times then bad. I think we both fell in love with Garrin and his VW at the same time. They sure are cute, aren't they?

All this said, we both know where our relationship stands. Over the past 6 months you have been blowing me off and have been way too high maintenance. I no longer can afford to buy you new accessories or to send you away to the mechanic for a week. It's time to break-up. Garrin has found someone new for me. He/she doesn't have a name yet, but suffice it to refer to it as a brand new Honda CR-V.

You can't give me all that it can. You can't drive in the snow, or play my iPod. I broke 700 miles in it the other day, you were beyond 122,000. My new friend has that distinct new car smell and is a pristine white. I must admit that I will miss your unique scent of crayon, but I think it's worth it.

Thank you for all the good times, the lessons and the miles. You will be missed.

Warmest regards,
Melissa Margot Tuttle
Your former owner

Week 11 of 2009

I wrote the follow email to my office today. It's a true story.

It's not going so hot, similar to the 10 weeks prior. I am not going to be able to make it in today; I guess the $500 I spent fixing my car last month and the $1000 two months before that just isn't enough to keep it running safely. Last night on my way home from a much too late meeting in Kirkland a VERY large truck decided to drive mostly in my lane, as opposed to the lane next to me which he was also driving in. Because of my desire to stay alive, I had to swerve and slammed on my brakes (naturally, with my semi-road rage i simultaneously laid on the horn), causing my sweet little manual car to stall half way off the road, about 1 mile from my house, in the middle of a 1 mile long 500 ft elevation hill. When I restarted my car, after subduing outrage that gets you nowhere when alone in a car, my check engine light flashed repeatedly; notifying me that my car is not safe to drive and is about to explode.

It was awesome (I hope you sense my sarcasm).

I proceeded home, topping out around 10 mph with my car jerking all over the place. I think it didn't want to drive anymore and was trying to pull itself over. When I got home, Garrin said that slamming on your brakes can sometimes shake something loose. Sounds safe right? He told me to try it again in the morning.

This morning after sleeping a mere 5 hours, I quickly got ready for the day and made my way down to scrape the opaque layer off of my cool 18 degree car. Making my way out of my development, the check engine light started flashing at me again like a liquored up coed on Fat Tuesday. As I continued at a speedily coast around 5 mph, my car began jerking again. I called Garrin and he suggested that I turn back around before something worse happens.

Which brings me to now; sitting on the floor in my bedroom, writing you this email to let you know that I am trapped in my 650sq ft apartment again. Just like I was in December. I have enough little projects to work on from home today, if that is ok. I may be emailing some of you to forward me documents that I know are on the Pool or in recent emails.

Feel free to call me if you need anything, I will be sitting at home, alone, reading and following up on emails.

Drive safely out there, watch out for large trucks.

Thanks!

Melissa

I'm Only Sleeping

I have a bit of a confession. If possible, I would lay in bed 10-18 hours a day with the lights out and buried under layers of handmade afghans and flannel sheets; I love to sleep. On days that Garrin works, around 4:30-5 am I do everything in my power to stay asleep when he ruffles the blankets and unknowingly shakes me awake 5-15 hours earlier than I would like. Even more, when attempts are made to restore me to my cozy state of slumber, as thoughtful as his are, it's just not the same. Something that all closet over-sleeper's know is that disrupted sleep, regardless of how much time you are able to squeeze out of your bed, is never the same as a choosing to wake up hours after the sun has fully emerged over the horizon.

With that said, I don't even know that I could rightfully call myself an over-sleeper. I really only need 5-6 hours in my happy dream-land of sloom, that some call a bed, to function properly; but in all reality, I would lay in bed for days on end casually flirting with both sinking deeper into my bed and productively utilizing my day. Because the obligations of life call louder than Qwest Field during playoffs, I am unnaturally forced to the latter.

If nothing got in my way, I would choose peacefully laying in bed all day over most anything; eating, social interaction, watching Friends... Well, that last one might actually take a very close second.

I

I am Melissa Margot Tuttle (formerly Ives).

I want to go workout, but more don't.

I have to get my hair trimmed.

I wish that I didn't have to workout and weight would just fall off.

I hate living so far from some of the best friends I have ever made.

I fear that Garrin will do something stupid and fall into a coma again, and that I won't be able to wake him up next time.

I hear Jason Mraz telling me to live mighty.

I search for a few last minute Christmas gifts.

I wonder when I lost my will power. I swear I used to be stronger.

I always am up for baking big, fat cookies.

I'm usually asleep by 9:30 pm and love it.

I'm not dressed yet, but have awesome pajama pants on.

I dance around our tiny apartment when I'm home alone.

I sing in the car like I'm putting on a concert.

I never go to bed without Garrin. We went a long time without that and now I savor it.

I rarely do laundry, that's Garrin's job.

I cry when I am SUPER excited; such as seeing Jason Mraz in concert when my tickets are front row, center.

I'm not always a good deed doer, but working on it.

I lose my patients nearly every day when I can't control inanimate objects.

I'm confused why people don't "believe" in global warming.

I need motivation. Help?

I should be checking the road report, it's icy out there.

I dream some crazy stuff.  Want to know what it is like to be a secret agent, or butler, or gorilla trainer? I can tell you.

Starting Now

There aren't very many people whose blogs I read on a regular basis. The one's at listed at the right I check in on every so often, but a few of them I read every time a new entry is posted. Because of this, I have been inspired.

I have a friend named Kjersti, whose blog is listed at right, who often writes about her struggles with weight. First and foremost, I admire the fact that she writes so candidly about a topic that most have a hard time dealing with and push to the back of their minds. Second, she inspires me (who also struggles with weight) to better myself. I work out, but not as hard as I should; it is hard to do it alone. I eat ok, but definitely not well. Over the past 2 years I have gained more weight than I am ready to admit to and am currently the least healthy I have ever been. I, like Kjersti, am not setting outlandish goals; I just want to be healthy and happy.

I am ready, starting now, to lose weight, feel better, be better and work on myself.

Thank you, Kjersti, for showing me that I am not alone with my struggle. I only wish we lived within 800 miles of each other to be healthier together. You are an inspiration to me.

Thank You

Some people are just dumb, you probably don't know who you are. Yet, I also know some very intelligent folks who inspire me on a regular basis. Thank you to both the smarties and the dummies for leading by example of who I should strive to be and who I should not.

I have relationships with those who dropped out of high school, and those who have PhD's. I know stark conservatives, tree hugger's and murderers. I feel blessed to have a full spectrum of examples in my life.

However, with this variety comes judgement. I suppose this is one of my downfalls. Naturally, I look up to those are most successful, and am wary of the choices made by those who aren't.

But, who am I to determine which is which?

Happy Halloween!

Now that I work for the Girl Scouts, I came to work today dressed as a Boy Scout. It got a good laugh. Speaking of laughs, I read this joke today and pee'd a little.

A cabbie picks up a Nun.She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.She asks him why he is staring.He replies: ' I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you. 'She answers, ' My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive. '' Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me. 'She responds, ' Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic. 'The cab driver is very excited and says, ' Yes, I'm single and Catholic! '' OK ' the nun says. ' Pull into the next alley. 'The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.' My dear child, ' says the nun, ' why are you crying? '' Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish. 'The nun says, ' That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party. '

Bah ha ha ha ha!

We made it

One year of marriage on September 21, 2008.

Way to go, us!

Newness

After being married for a year (yep, it's coming up in two weeks, or so), I am glad that I can still think of our marriage as new. I guess it is a plus of not seeing each other. But with talking about "newness," I must say that not seeing each other will soon become a way of the past.

I have been offered a new position with the Girl Scouts of Western Washington. I will start four weeks from now, on Monday, October 6. I have been looking for a new job since April 2007. Well, I guess a little before that, because then, I tried to work in a dental office for a few minutes, but came crawling back to the Bellevue Club. With my new job I will be advising the adult volunteers who are in charge of the girls. So, there is not a lot (or any really) contact with Girl Scout girls, but I think that might be for the best. If you know me well, you know that kids were never my strong suit.

I AM SO STOKED!!

Working a normal day job, Monday-Friday, 9-5 is incredibly exciting. Garrin works during the day, and my current night schedule has kept us away from each other about 4 days a week.

That's not good.

But... With this new job, we can have dinner together. It sounds trivial, I know, but try not having it. Ever. It's weird. We are lucky if we sit at home together and eat once a week. No more, my friends! I will soon be getting to know my husband, again. Maybe it will feel like dating, only he never leaves.

Hmm... I might have to rethink this one...

I am starting this new job in four weeks. "Why so long from now?" you ask. Because we are taking a two week anniversary vacation in the middle. I will work the rest of this week then we are gone for two weeks, then I come back for one more week. Pretty awesome, eh?

I got a new hair style, in celebration of all this newness. It almost hurts to be so cute.

Who knew that seeing your spouse could be so much fun?

Garrin and I were able to see each other for 4 days in a row. It was crazy! I had no idea that spending time with my husband could be so great. Now I understand what it is supposed to feel like to be married... You see each other and grow closer. We have been missing that for the past 11 months or so. Thank goodness we are going on vacation for 10 days in a few weeks. We need to reconnect and remember why we got married.

Funny, I shouldn't have to say that in the first year; but I guess when we spend most of that time on different schedules, I do.

We were able to spend time with our friends, too. This past weekend we went out to lunch and had people over. We also went to a Seahawks game and had awesome seats right on the field. Thanks Dad!

We definitely need more time together.

You want more, huh?

So, everyone tells me that I need to "blog" more often. But I like to write when I have something funny or enlightening to say. I am worried that if I start to blog more, you might find out how angry I really am. It is hard to find things to write about when life is a little boring. I mean, you would think that I would have all sorts of things to write about in my first year of marriage, but to honest, it's been a rough one.

Right before Garrin and I got married last September, his grandmother passed away down in Nevada. We went down there for the funeral, and so I could meet the family. It was very bittersweet. We got married about a month later and began our lives together.

Garrin is wonderful; let me start with that. He loves me more than I deserve and puts up with much more than I am worth. He lets me whine, and leave my shoes out. He will stay in bed and cuddle with me when I have to sleep in late from being up all night because of his snoring. All of my married friends told me that getting married is "like a slumber party with your best friend, every night!" Or "you will get to see each other so much more."

It is funny how when you get married, no one ever tells you that it is hard. No one ever told me about how I would have trouble sleeping because there will be someone else in my bed who sweats when it is above 65 degrees. Or that all of the sudden you will have to pick up someone elses' dishes and do their vacuuming. Or ask if you can go out with friends after work. Plus, I think that we actually see each other less, now that we are married. Garrin works from 6am-6pm and I work from 4:30pm-7am. if you look at the times, you can see that we just barely miss each other each day. This week, we will not see each other from early Monday morning when he leaves for work, till he gets home from Drill late Wednesday night. Sometimes, it is almost more like we are roommates. You know, the good kind that you never see. But that is not so good when that roommate is your husband. It can be pretty tough to keep a strong marital bond, when your most frequent form of communication is on the phone.

Neither of us are really phone talkers.

Since Garrin's grandmother passed away last August, we have had his other grandma, his uncle and my great grandma pass as well. It has been a year full of death and loss for us. But, thankfully we are doing it together. Well, as much as we can when we don't see each other. Regardless of how hard it gets, it is definitely worth it.

I have a name, try using it.

Since I was a little girl my family has called me Mo. When I got into middle school and high school my friends and teachers knew me as that as well. I sometimes wonder if my family and friends remember that my real name is Melissa. It is nice to be called my my full name every once in a while just to know that people truly know who I am, but it also can throw me off when I am not expecting it. I also am thrown for a loop when people who don't know me very well decide to call me by a nickname without asking or when someone close to me calls me something new.

A few years ago my dad was dating a woman who had a daughter named Melissa, as well. It was pretty weird to hear them talk about their kids (mostly they would talk about hers) and not be sure who they were referring to. It was even weirder when my dad all of the sudden started calling me the name that this woman called her daughter; Meliss. She and my dad called me Meliss for days and I wasn't ever sure who they were talking to. It could not have been me, my name is not "Meliss," my name is Mo. Every time they said "Hey, Meliss" I looked around to see if there was another person in the room that I must have missed and not met yet. But no, it was just me. Somewhere around the same time I invited my sister, Tae (whose full name is Shanatae) over for a visit because I wanted her to see just how funny it was to have Dad call me Meliss. When Tae and I walked into the house Dad and his girl friends both said "oh hi Tae. Hi Meliss, what are you guys up to?"

I had to bite my lip to stifle my laughter when almost too quickly in response Tae said "oh Meliss and I are going shopping." And I cut in asking if they would like to come with "Shana-t" and me. I think Tae and I only had to call each other "Meliss" and "Shana-t" a few times that day before Dad caught on that he was only dropping one letter from my name and calling me a name that was not really mine. But Tae and I still call each other those names when we are in front of our dad, just to remind him how much of a goober he was for ever doing that.

I find that a lot of my co-workers also like to call me Meliss. I don't mind so much, now that only my family and close friends call me Mo. But I think it is funny that I am called this name, that is not even a whole syllable shorter by people who have know nothing about me. Most of them don't know where I live now or where I grew up. They might know that I am married to a man named Garrin, but they have never met him, or have no idea how lucky I am to have snagged him.

Meliss...

I just cracks me up. Now, with most people who call me this, I just drop the last letter of their name, too. Garrin sometimes calls me Meliss when he can tell it bugs me that other people are doing it; so I call him Garri.

I don't mind when everybody does it. But if I call you by your full first name, the least you can do is add that one little letter back on to mine.

I'm not pregnant, so please stop asking.

I really need to get better at this writing stuff...

I certainly have a lot of friends who are pregnant, have children or are lucky enough for both. But does that mean that selfish me and my busy husband have to rush in to popping out little guys? I may not be prego, but I definitely have been suffering from some symptoms.

I have been having the weirdest dreams lately. Last night I dreamt that I was laying in bed, after Garrin left for work (like I always do), and there was a very large man working on something in our kitchen. With our bedroom door open, the bed is a straight eye-shot from the kitchen sink. So, this big guy started taking pictures of me, while I was half asleep. In my dream, I shot out of bed and yelled "stop taking pictures of me you fat bastard!"

Crazy 'eh? It gets weirder.

So, he walks out the front door and I follow him down the breeze way of our second floor apartment and as he reached the stairwell, he looked at me, smirked and jumped over the railing. When I ran to the edge to look below I found him smack-dab on the hood of a car below.

JASON CRISP!

I looked down to find my phone and call the police, when I looked up, he was half way down the parking lot, laughing to himself as he walked away. My heart was racing because of the confusion, I shouted to him to stop. He kept walking, backwards, while looking at me towards the busy road beyond. I cinched and saw him get thrown by one car passing by and run completely over by the next.

Then I shot up out of bed, for real.

I think these crazy dreams have been keeping me from sleeping well because, whoo doggy! Am I tired! It is funny how just because I am married and tired a lot that everyone automatically assumes that I am preggers. Not really funny ha-ha, anymore; maybe the first time or two. But I just get tired, I work crazy hours and never sleep.

Otherwise, life has been great since getting married. Poor Garrin got married to a crazy lady who doesn't sleep, has wicked mood swings and bakes way too many treats for any ones waist line. Me? I got married to a wonderful man who puts up with my uncontrollable bouts of sleep that hit me like a train every couple of weeks; which always seem to be on our days off so we don't get to spend time together, puts up with my random cry attacks; the ones that come out of nowhere while watching UFC, Family Guy or Reno 911, because I am too sarcastic to ever show real emotion.

He is a pretty cool dude and I certainly lucked out. Plus, my parents love the guy, so I guess I really gotta keep him, now.

I do have to say though, that I really miss my friends. Marriage is wonderful, but sometimes you need a girlfriend to talk to. I have a couple that frequent, and they are amazing, but I miss my friends from Florida and college. It makes me sad that we don't keep in touch as well. I think that the blame goes both ways and that I have fallen off the face of the earth, a little, how everyone one does when they acquire a spouse, but I think that people also push you out of that world you were in before. They think that you are busier than you are and tune you out. Sad, sad, SAD, I say!

I'm still cool even though I'm married. I mean seriously folks, I don't even have kids yet!

I promise, there is no bun in this oven.

Not that I am counting...

But Garrin and I are getting married in 52 days.

I actually only know that because a wedding website that I signed up for gives me the ultimate countdown. I talked to Ashley today, she said that anyone who doesn't get nervous is crazy. That made me feel better. But it's funny that I am nearly done planning a wedding with the man that I love, but he has not even asked me to marry him. It is sort of a mutual understanding. I told him the other day that this has all been to easy for him and is giving me an ulcer. We have designed our cake, finalized locations and on Friday we are completing our dinner menu.

I feel grown up.

No.

I feel a little like a princess. Everyone asking me what I want, then making it happen. Thank goodness for our parents that I haven't been dreaming about my wedding my entire life. And that I am a little shy, so hardly anyone is invited.

Nervous

Garrin called me today. When I said hello, he said, "I booked the temple for 1 o'clock Friday, September 21st." I sat there silent.

"We are getting married that day."

It is all of the sudden very real. I am marrying Garrin Tuttle. In 76 days we will be sealed for time and all eternity. That's a long time. Am I ready for that? Is anyone every really ready for marriage? How are other people not scared?

Everything about marriage is scary!

I love Garrin more in a way incomparable to the way I have ever felt about anyone else. And clearly he for me. But that does not make it any easier to go through with. Maybe I am nervous because I am embarking on a new stage of life that I was not sure that I would ever get to. Maybe I am nervous because our marriage will be sealed with not just a contract, but a covenant. The culmination of it all gets me.

I am going dress shopping tomorrow with my mom, sister and best friend. Nervous about that too!

Love and Candy

Wow... Nearly a year since my last post. It is crazy to me how much can change in a year. I love where I am at. Of course, things can always be better, but they can most definitely be far worse. Darrin... Whose real name is Garrin, and I have been dating exclusively for 6 or 7 months. It was about time, after a year or so of us both tip toeing around being together. Going into this relationship, I decided that we needed to figure out if we should be together or be apart. So, I thought that we might date for a few weeks and move on, no longer as friends.

Not the case.

Although Garrin may not admit it, I knew that he was in love with me the day that I woke him from his coma, over a year ago. After all, I was his reason for living!

We went down to visit my parents in California a couple of weeks ago. It was a short vacation for such a long trip, but we had a great time. It was fun to be in the car together; singing, getting lost (when Garrin was driving), and just enjoying each others company. It took about 12 hours each way, and I loved every minute of it. Poor, sweet Garrin had to get to know my parents and have their herbal lifestyle thrust upon him. But, he is such a trooper. He did not act nearly as uncomfortable as I sure he was!

Garrin and I have been tossing around the idea of marriage for a couple of months. Back when we first started dating he explained to me that the perfect woman would propose to him. My reaction was beyond a laugh! I told him that by the time someone wanted to marry him, that he had better step up his game so he wouldn't loose his only chance. Without even cracking a smile, he said that she would propose with a candy bar and that it would be the best day of his life. I told him good luck and to let me know how that goes!

My parents only have one guest bedroom, so naturally, in their un-Mormon home, we slept in the same room (you can chastise me later). While cuddling in bed, our second night in California, Garrin talked about marriage and how he has been more seriously entertaining the thought. With a jolt, I sat up and shouted "that reminds me," and shot out of bed, across the room to my back pack. Rummaging through the side pockets I pulled out a giant bundle wrapped in tin foil.

"What on earth are you doing?" Garrin questioned me.

Tearing the foil away, I jumped back in bed, sat on Garrins legs and dropped a fist full of candy bars on his chest. He laid there, speechless.

"Garrin Tuttle," I began, "I love you so much and there is no one that I would rather spend the rest of my life with."

"Oh my gosh!"

"Will you ask me to marry you, some day?" I finished.

"You are amazing and perfect. I love you!" He whispered while pulling me is for an embrace.

The trip ended wonderfully; Garrin joking about how we should just elope and get it over with. He has long finished his candy bars, but the wrappers are still around. Those are his engagement treat, he tells me. I have spent the week showing him ideas of rings I want. We have told our parents of our plans and hope to be wed by mid-October. I never thought that I could be so in love, or that someone would ever care so much for me. I am extremely blessed to have Garrin as my best friend, my confidant and soon, my husband.

Back

I am back in Washington.
Back to a boring job that I have been in and out of for years.
Back to self-doubt, a wavering testimony and seemingly loneliness.

I missed it here so much while I was away. But now that I am into a routine again. I feel a little depressed.

I have decided to go on a mission. I am so scared. I came back to visit Washington a few weeks before I decided to move back because I needed to tell my bishop that I want to serve. The nexte person I told was Tyler. I hadn't talked to him in a couple months, but he has had to big of an impact on me to not let him know. He is the person who gave me the courage to realize who I can be. He just seemed surpirsed. I guess it prepped me for telling everyone else, who was also surprised.

Rachel moved back to Washington just a couple days after I did. I'm a little disappointed in her. Just because I don't think that she gave Salt Lake a chance. But change isn't for everyone and she seems very happy now that she is back in Washington. So, I am not disappointed; she tried something new.

My heart is broken.

As much as I was hurt that to Tyler I was "out of sight, out of mind." I have to admit that I felt slightly that same way about him. But not to the same extent. I thought about him everyday while I was gone. I have thought about him everyday since I returned. I think Michelle was right: I did fall in love with Tyler.

I saw him last night, from a distance. It was at a movie theater. As I was walking out, about one hundred feet in front of me was Tyler, holding hands with his new girl. I froze. I litterally Stopped in my tracks in shock. The boy (yes boy, I realize he has growing up to do) I had come to love has someone new that he cares about far more than he did me. I try not to let my feelings get hurt by others lack of care, but I ended up caring about him, and now I am hurt.

A mission will be so good for me. I feel like I need to be away. Although I just was, coming back brought back all the pain I was feeling before. The temptations here are so great. They almost feel like too much, but I have faith that I will do what I am supposed to.

I will always be alright

Drama Free in the SLC

Here I am, I made it to Utah! I've been here for over 3 weeks now. It's a little hot. It's a little lonely. It's a little boring. I have applied for close to 150 jobs and just today had my first interview. Luckly... It lead to a job. Hopefully, I wont be as bored.

I haven't talked to Tyler in weeks. Last tiem was just 3 days after I got here. He said he missed me. But I guess it is just out of sight, out of mind. I even cried a couple times because I missed him so much...

WHOA!

I do not cry. Not over boys. Except that one time about Jason Mraz...

I decided that I too, am over it. I cannot waste my emotions adn energy on someone who doesn't ever think of me.

NEXT SONG.

Rachel (a great friend I met through Tyler) is moving to Salt Lake in 2 weeks. I am so excited to have a friend, who isn't married, here. I loathe marriage way to much to be surrounded by the marrieds.

Thank goodness for the nice weather so I can sit alone at parks.

The Anxiety Monologs

I have always thought that I have had a bit of anxiety. But there is nothing you can really do about it. You can take some sedatives, but I'm not big on the medication thing. So, I just kinda deal with it. It has been two weeks since I decided to go to Utah, and have had 2 anxiety attacks over that time as well as not eaten for days. I am scheduled to leave this Monday: a week from today.

Am I doing the right thing?

Why is it that whenever I make a decision to move, everything falls into place in the short time between the decision and the actual move. Maybe, I just don’t realize how good I really have it until I know that it will never be the same. Tyler has been even more back and forth since I told him I was leaving. He does not know what he wants and I am guessing that it is even harder now that I have “decided” what I want.

When I told him I am leaving, he just got silent. But I explained that I needed something new. “Are you leaving because of the way I’ve been acting over the past couple weeks?” Tyler asked. “Don’t flatter yourself,” I responded in haste. I’m not sure if I made the decision because I want something new or if I am trying to get out while I am ahead.

I have come to the conclusion that I can’t lose him.

I cannot just run away because I am afraid of a challenge or getting hurt. That is how you grow. Why am I so emotional? Danged Tyler, I loved my superficial, indifferent life that I lead before I knew him. How can I let someone have such a big impact on me in such a short time?

But what if he doesn’t really care?

I’m not sure that I will be ok with myself if I stay and he doesn’t want me. Even more so, I’m not sure that I will be alright if I let him go. People like us don’t find each other everyday. Shoot…

Michelle told me that I am in love. I don’t know. I cannot love someone that doesn’t love me. But I know that I could be. I hate to be so cliché, but I have to be. It’s how I feel. I hate sappy, messy, icky love stories. But how amazing is it when it happens to you? Maybe this just isn’t our time, but I need to be more patient. If there is a right time for us, I don’t want to miss that because I am too stubborn and prideful to show that I care about someone besides myself.

Tyler is an incredible man, I wonder if he realizes that I am pretty incredible too.